thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
