I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
