My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The Olympian is in my bed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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