Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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