you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
