I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
