Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
