i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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