I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
