Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
