WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
