My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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