i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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