He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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