Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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