You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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