You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
