I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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