Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
