I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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