I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize