I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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