im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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