I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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