If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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