Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dicks are not precious.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
