I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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