Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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