I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
