So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
