I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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