I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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