She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
