You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
