I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
