Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
