The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
