I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
