you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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