we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
