Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
