He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
