im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
