Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
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