Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
this hospital has no fireball
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
