Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
3pm strippers are depressing
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
