I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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