She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
