i just google imaged poop.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize