K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You just made me feel so damn special
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
