I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
