It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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