Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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