Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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