i jhust puked up my retainher.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
