i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
