she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
