if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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